If I Had Legs I'd Kick You - an uncanny study of mommy fatigue

If I Had Legs I'd Kick You 

Now that's a mouthful for a movie title. The light of the recent Lindsay Clancy case, there is an uptick in musings on maternal exhaustion and maternal regret. So many myths about the intuitive nature of motherhood are being busted. So many women voice their regret over embarking on the parenting journey. Many of these women are medial professionals, who seem to have access to all the resources in the system. In the film, Linda, a drained psychotherapist and mother to a medically complicated child, spirals into chronic, universal resentment, while her oblivious husband travels for work. Her daughter's diagnosis is never fully announced, but it's implied that she suffers from ARFID (Avoidant/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder)- still a controversial behavioral condition, regarded dubiously by many doctors. The choice of malady is not accidental. If your child has cancer, diabetes or seizures, at least they are guaranteed to receive sympathy and support. With a little understood condition like ARFID, the parents are on their own, often having to defend themselves and their parenting style. 

Rose Byrne is at a perfect age to reinvent herself as a stressed, resentful mother. She is past her sci-fi bombshell days. It was a good move to cast a withering bombshell for the role. 

The film is described as "darkly funny". And it's the pie in the face type humor! Crippling slapstick resulting in open fractures. It's the kind of laughter you burst into as an alternative to crying. Because you've cried before over the same issue so many times. 

"The Lure" 2015 - a gem in body horror

Greetings, commies!

Who is in a mood for some mermaid themed body horror? Look no further than the 2015 Polish horror film "The Lure". It tells the story of two sirens who emerge from the waters and perform in a nightclub. One falls in love with a man, and gives up her tail, but loses her voice in the process. The story is a reworking of the 1837 fairy tale "The Little Mermaid" by Hans Christian Andersen, with inspiration from Smoczyńska's experiences.  

If a male director had made this movie, he would have been branded misogynist - at least by the woke critics. But since the director is female, she runs the risk of being branded ... a pick me? Just kidding. Big fat kudos to Agnieszka Smoczyńska for not shying away from the idea that women can be malicious. Lately, the feminist movement has been pushing for female moral superiority. Meaning, if a woman commits an act of violence, it's because she is reacting to patriarchal oppression. Agnieszka Smoczyńska is not blaming men for the bloody acts of her two sister mermaids. They are simply acting out their inherent nature - two carnivorous sea creatures, who make a disastrous attempt at fitting in with humans.

The setting is important! The film takes place in the fictitious 1980s Poland. Historically, the country faced significant economic and social challenges under Soviet dominance. Smoczyńska creates a decadent, colorful, supernatural oasis against the backdrop of shame and deprivation. This Is not the Poland that most Poles born before 1980 experienced. But this is the Poland they may have dreamed of after watching bootleg American music videos. The director's own mother ran a nightclub, so she had plenty of first hand experience to lean on.  

Ultimately, the film is about vulnerable outsiders, who often have no other way to build social bonds except in the world of entertainment. Runways, immigrants, addicts often experience their short lived and sensational moment in the spotlight. The mermaid sisters - much like the Triton character - are doomed to being on the fringes of society. Their attempts of fitting in with the wounded and inapproachable mainstream lead to disasters. 

"The Lure" is an absolute gem in body horror. 

"Hamnet" 2025: cringey daddy guilt and grief porn

Greetings, commies!

Your heartless eyerolling monster is back ;-) You know it's my guilty pleasure to spit on other people's holy-of-holies. And today, the target is "Hamnet", the Oscar-nominated tear jerker. 

I have no issue with reimagining the past and spinning untold stories of cultural beacons like Mozart or Shakespeare. I don't necessarily hate the idea of injecting some modern sensibilities and ideas into a historical setting - as long as it is done carefully and strategically. "Hamnet" is not a very good example of the genre. Both the author of the novel and the director did a fine job creating an unconvincing tear-jerker.  

Enthusiastic fans of the movie refer to Hamnet's death as "unspeakable tragedy". In 16th century England, plague flare-ups were routine. Death of a child was hardly an unspeakable tragedy - it was a part of life. I can forgive the costuming liberties, that horribly impractical hippie red dress that Agnes wears. I cannot forgive the pushy-shovey 21 century ideology. The fact that Agnes would passively-aggressively punish her husband for "not being there" when their son died is a little outrageous. Elizabethan wives have lost teeth for less. Agnes is lucky she wasn't blamed for Hamneth's death. She is also lucky she did not get reported for her eccentric tree-hugging behavior and burned as a witch. 

Then there is the element of psychological inauthenticity. The makers of the film clearly do not know much about pediatric psychology. The whole idea of a sibling offering his life for a twin, bargaining with powers that be, tricking death itself - is over the top. When Hamnet started bargaining with death, I started grunting with frustration and rolling my eyes. Come on! Children are not capable of even contemplating such a sacrifice, let alone executing it by manipulating some invisible forces. 

If you want a convincing and compelling story of bereavement and grief, watch "Reservation Road" 2007. 

Grafted (2024) a blood-chilling study of Eurocentric esthetics

 

Synopsis:

Grafted is a 2024 New Zealand coming-of-age body horror film centering on Wei, a brilliant but socially awkward Chinese immigrant student with a genetic facial birthmark. After moving to New Zealand on a university scholarship, she attempts to complete her late father's secret, revolutionary skin-grafting research to hide her deformity. When faced with alienation from her popular cousin and peers, her obsession takes a dark, bloody turn as she begins harvesting skin from others to achieve the perfect face and ultimate popularity.

My thoughts:

Body horror for women always involves aesthetics. If you have not had enough of "The Substance" or "The Ugly Stepsister", add "Grafted" to your watch list. Wei, the tormented protagonist, actually has a somewhat legitimate grievance - a birthmark on her face and neck. Most psychologists and plastic surgeons would agree that wanting to remove a birthmark is legitimate wish and not an indication of body dysmorphia. While Elizabeth in "The Substance" is up against time, and Elvira in "The Ugly Stepsister" is up against her mother's expectations, Wei is fighting something more nefarious - Eurocentric beauty standards. Getting rid of the birthmark is not enough. After getting rid of the wine-colored stain, she is trying to erase her entire Asian heritage. The obsession leads her down the path of complete self-obliteration and assumption of other people's identities. 

Nuremberg: insulting parade of talking heads

 

I was so relieved that I was not the only person who hated this movie. And you are not supposed to hate movies that aspire to be serious. This is the most insultingly dumbed down treatment of the Holocaust theme. Nothing against the actors. Russell Crowe, portly way past his Gladiator days, seems to have settled into playing repulsive characters (check out "Unhinged", it's free on Prime). He was a logical choice for Hermann Goering. Rami Malek is both sinister and adorkable as Douglas Kelly, the psychiatrist tasked with crawling inside Goering's head. Both actors have no script to work with and no real direction. The exposition is delivered in a most clumsy manner. The writers assume that the viewers are dummies who know nothing about WW2 and the atrocities, so they make sure to produce a condensed ADHD friendly bio for each bad guy, from Goering to Hess. Chances are, if viewers are choosing this film from a list of many, they must know enough about WW2 and the "Final Solution". You are left with the main idea: "Human beings ... are not nice people." 

Delicatessen 1991: love in the time of cannibalism

Synopsis: 

In a post-apocalyptic society where meat is scarce, cannibalism is no longer unsavory. And when a young ex-clown takes a job in a dilapidated deli, he's completely unaware that the butcher plans to serve him to the building's bizarre tenants! But when the butcher's nearsighted daughter falls for the clown, she'll go to absurd lengths to foil her father's plan!

My thoughts:

If levity is your antidote to existential anxiety, if you are in a mood for some postapocalyptic giggles, definitely give this black comedy a chance. Between climate change, inflation and global conflicts, this film is a little bit too much on the nose.  If you are impressionable and prone to catastrophic thinking, you'll find it easy to picture yourself among the residents of that smoke-shrouded apartment buildings. A few words in defense of the characters in the film. They are not born monsters, just captive participants of a horror show. They certainly did not cause it, not directly. They still remember enough of the world as it was before the catastrophe. They still go about their daily lives. Women still paint their lips red, style their hair, try to flirt and fornicate ... much like the women of Vichy France. The ambience is strangely ... philistine and cozy. It shows that humans can adjust to most absurd and horrendous of circumstances. They will create their own version of "normal". 

Sissy (2022) horrifyingly cathartic revenge fantasy

Plot summary:

Sissy is a 2022 Australian indie psychological horror film starring Aisha Dee in the title role as Cecilia (aka Sissy), a successful social media influencer who is invited to a bachelorette weekend by her close childhood friend before it turns into a nightmare.

My thoughts:

I found the film disturbingly satisfying. Having faced my share of exclusion throughout adolescence, there were so many moments when I actually winced in pain. Ouch. Those subtle yet strategic stabs, delivered with an air of innocence ... by people one would not immediately suspect of malevolence. You see, it's easy to vilify the skinny, conventionally pretty blonde. That type has been the low hanging fruit for the mass produced teen dramas and comedies. In reality, bullies do not always look like the proverbial Regina George. Sometimes they have a little bit of meat on their bones, are in a same-sex interracial relationship (which automatically scores them moral points), like Emma and Fran, and talk about empathy and tolerance. Sometimes they have physical limitations like Jamie. These are not the typical aggressors that come from a place of bottomless privilege. They position themselves as somewhat marginalized ... which kind of unties their hands to commit acts of relational cruelty. In many cases, people from historically marginalized groups feel almost entitled to cast the first stone. And sometimes the principal bully, who does most damage, does not initiate acts of aggression but stands compliantly.