Unintended: a coming of age "almost murder" mystery

Greetings, commies!

You know that feeling following the thump-crunch under your wheels? You know it's a squirrel. Its flattened corpse will haunt you on your drive home from work. Now imagine accidentally killing something human size? Now you can imagine how Lea felt when she killed her neighbor in Unintended. I must say, I really wanted to like that movie - if only it could figure out what genre it belonged to. 

My thoughts:

"Unintended" is basically an embryo that doesn't know what it wants to be when it develops. I am all for cross-genre movie, but this one can't decide if it's a thriller or a heart-warming, tear-jerking coming of age slice of Americana. It starts lowkey but sinister, and then just devolves into sappy. Too many images of Lea having an exaggerated panic attack. Too many pill-popping, hair-pulling scenes that do not add to the story. Not to mention, it's totally implausible from the criminal justice standpoint. No way can you just walk away from a potential manslaughter without the police involved. People don't just disappear into thin air without the authorities raising some questions. I can see someone hiding the impulsive murder of a newborn, but not a fully grown teenager that everyone knew in that community.

Crush: a triumph of lazy casting

 

Greetings, commies!

I will be doing a series of reviews on unworthy films. They are free on Amazon, so I encourage you to give them a chance. Today's rotten turnip is Crush.

Synopsis:

Crush is a 2013 American direct-to-video thriller film directed by Malik Bader and written by Sonny Mallhi. Starring Lucas Till, Crystal Reed, and Sarah Bolger, it follows a popular high school student portrayed by Till who finds himself being stalked.

My thoughts:

The casting director clearly did not want to take any chances or cast - God forbid - against stereotypes. Of course, the creepy girl is a skinny brunette. Of course, the object of her admiration is the "sensitive jock" with an actual conscience. The characters are not very plausible. I do not know many high school athletes who look like the male protagonist yet take the time out of their day to consider the feelings of the little people around him. In addition to being a star soccer player, he also loves old black and white movies and drawing portraits. I get it, even jocks have souls, and human beings have layers and dimensions, but this chap is so darn perfect, he is not very convincing. And I cannot imagine a straight 17 year old rejecting a hot female friend who sneaks into his bedroom with one intention. Too many cringeworthy, awkward character development twists. Paired with lazy predictable casting, and you get a C- product.

Kelly + Victor: a most unsexy movie about sex

Greetings, commies!

How desensitized you must be to need drugs and whips and chains to get off? Good question. A better question yet: how much can we romanticize low lives? Nothing shocks modern audiences. Drugs, random sex, torture? Yawn. Kelly + Victor is a desperate attempt to shock the unshockable audiences. 

Synopsis

After meeting at a nightclub, Kelly and Victor are removed from their dull, ordinary lives when they start an exciting sexual relationship.

My thoughts

Why is it that most movies about sex that claim to be "edgy" and "raw" are really so ... not sexy? I don't know if the director did any research, but doing lines of cocaine is a sure road to impotence. The characters are so off putting, makes me want to wash my hands and gargle my mouth. I am not a prude or anything, but hopping into bed with a random stranger you met at some dingy club is a little anticlimactic. You know next to nothing about the characters, so it's hard to become emotionally invested in them. The sex scenes are gratuitous and unconvincing. It's like watching mice squirm on the bottom of a barrel. A general "eeeek" reaction.

Bliss: a Turkish drama of morals

Hello commies!

If you have the stomach for a film that deals with some heavy stuff, if you are willing to engage empathy while suspending judgment, consider Bliss, a Turkish drama.

Synopsis

Adapted from internationally acclaimed author Zulfu Livaneli's novel, BLISS is an unconventional road movie in which the executioner of an honor killing and his victim go on a journey of self-discovery.

When 17-year-old Meryem (Ozgu Namal) is found disheveled and unconscious by the side of a lake, her family believes the worst - that her chastity has been lost and that she has been a willing accomplice in its disposal. They turn to the ancient principle of "tore," a strict moral code governing the rules of sexual practice, which condemns Meryem to death. The duty of defending the family's honor is given to distant cousin Cemal (Murat Han), who must take Meryem to Istanbul and kill her along the way.

The two begin to fall for each other and their journey takes an unexpected turn when they meet Irfan (Talat Bulut), an academic escaping his big city angst, who is also looking for a second chance in life. Set against the impressive backdrop of Turkey's natural wonders, BLISS pits tradition against modernity, urban against rural and East against West, all the while refusing to settle for easy answers.

My thoughts

Turkey is a country of contrasts, as many reviewers have pointed out. Like many Middle Eastern countries, it has a flashy, hedonistic facade that lures in tourists and a savage, dark, cruel underbelly. The most disturbing part is that Cemal is no knight in shining armor, no Western savior for the poor Turkish peasant girl. Even though he refuses to carry out the task given to him, he is not very far removed from the people who condemned the 17-year old to death for losing her virginity. He is one of them. He is "one of the good ones", but he is still one of them. His anger and a sense of masculine entitlement come through on several occasions. That is what makes the viewers cringe in the end. It's not a happily ever after sort of ending. You are left wondering if it's only a matter of time before the beast in him comes out.

The Daisy Chain - autism stereotypes meet Irish superstition

Happy Halloween, commies!

Halloween has a noticeable connection to the Celtic pagan tradition, so this year's pick is an Irish horror movie The Daisy Chain. I am not a huge fan of it for a number of reasons outlined below, but it doesn't mean that you won't enjoy it.

Synopsis:

The very nature of evil drives this chilling psychological thriller. Martha and Tomas are a grieving couple who move to a remote Irish village in the wake of their baby daughter's death. Touched by a traumatized, autistic girl whose entire family has perished in tragic accidents, they open their home to young Daisy. Martha believes that with her love, she can help Daisy...

My thoughts:

Sounds like a perfect recipe - insulting, inaccurately executed autism stereotypes are wed to Irish superstition. That's what the world of horror needs: another creepy kid movie. Every known cliche has been utilized: the string of accidents, the clingy foster parent with a tragic past. A touch of "The Omen" and "Rosemary's Baby". Since this flick is made in Ireland and actually uses elements of Irish folklore, so it must be "artsy". I cannot say that the acting is atrocious. There is nothing for an actor to do. Generic, stereotypical one-dimensional characters, predictable plot twists. One thing I don't understand. If the foster parents suspect they have a murderous supernatural entity under their roof, why do they keep going about their business? Shouldn't they be a bit more vigilant?

Borat 2: a much needed laugh

Greetings, commies!

Are you ready to take a break from righteous indignation and laugh at everything that's wrong with this world? Borat 2 is out! Same fake Kazakh language, sane fake folk tunes. Same stitch-popping vulgar humor. Just what the doctor ordered to help your lungs rebuild after Covid!

Synopsis:

Delivery of Prodigious Bribe to American Regime for make Benefit Once Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan

My thoughts:

Seriously, do not watch this movie alone. If you choke on your popcorn, you want to have someone there to save your life. And if you like to drink beer while watching comedy, get your Depends on, seriously. You will pee yourself! I feel off the couch a few times. I am of Russian descent, so I got all the messages in Cyrillic. If you speak Russian, it adds another layer of hilarity. This movie came out at the perfect time. It's sooooo insulting to the snowflake crowd. Really pulls no punches, doesn't hold back. Just what we need! I bet many viewers will complain that it "trivializes human trafficking and Covid". It totally does! And that's why it makes it so hilarious.

Pretty Persuasion: deliciously evil and misogynistic

Greetings, commies!

Evan Rachel Wood was born to play mean girls! The meanest girls are not always blond cheerleaders. Wood is brilliant at subtle sociopathy. Frankly, I am surprised that Pretty Persuasion got made and released into the mainstream. Of course, it's 15 years old. No way it would have gotten made in 2020, not with all the touchy snowflakes who are offended by the way someone sneezes. 

Synopsis:

Kimberly Joyce (Evan Rachel Wood), an outwardly friendly but inwardly cold and manipulative teenager who attends an exclusive private school in Beverly Hills, incites chaos among her friends, and a media frenzy when she accuses her drama teacher of sexual harassment.

My thoughts:

With so much censorship and squeamishness in the world of filmmaking nowadays, with so much paranoia and so many taboos, it's amazing this venomous gem got made in the first place. I have a pretty strong stomach for teenage sociopathy, but this movie made me wince a few times. The world has changed a lot in 15 years. Now filmmakers tiptoe around the topics of school shooters and sexual harassment of minors. If you are having a bad day, if you are angry at the world, consider watching this flick.